Toilet Paper
Published January 27, 2010You know the world is going to hell in a hand basket when they start fucking around with toilet paper.
For years I had been an avid Quilted Northern user, but switched this summer. My daughter has a Sam’s Club membership and I went shopping with her and picked up a case of Scott tissue. The rolls are individually wrapped for commercial use. She calls it gas station t.p., but I liked it. It was single-layer, yet strong without being harsh and OMG, it lasted for fucking ever.
When I ran out of Scott I went to Walmart and got some more Scott there. Hmmm, not the same as the Sam’s Club stuff. Obviously Scott is making a different version for commercial and home use. (Why do companies do that? The general public can’t be trusted with “the big boy” stuff? They do the same thing with household cleaners.) The stuff from Walmart was still single-layer, but the shit was HARSH like it had wood chips in it. I couldn’t figure out why my pink tender parts were raw. I turned a sheet of it over and it’s got these little quilted bumps on it and the paper itself was of inferior quality with a rough texture. The commercial stuff had a more polished finished.
So when that stuff ran out I thought I’d get some more Quilted Northern. WOW! They really fucked it up. The first thing I noticed is that the roll is 1/4″ narrower than it used to be. On a pack of t.p., that’s a 1/2″ less on a 6-pack. I thought I was seeing things, but I actually measured it against a Scott t.p. tube still in the trash can. Those fuckers! Oh, and the texture of it is way weird. It’s super fluffed up like micro fleece. It’s got massive volume to it so it’s like wiping your ass with a blanket. Only difference is, MY FINGER WENT RIGHT THROUGH IT!!! It actually starts deteriorating when it gets wet. Nasty. Gotta be some kind of biodegradable bullshit. JHC! How do these people sleep at night? They must have tested it on some giggly pre-adolescent girls who stuff their bras with the shit. No doubt it works REAL good for that BECAUSE IT’S ALL FUCKING AIR!
A roll of the Sam’s Club Scott would last me like two weeks. A roll of this new QN only last’s about 1-1/2 days. The square footed of it must be like 3′. Bastards.
Screw you, Quilted Northern and Walmart Scott. WTF is wrong with the world?
6 Responses to Toilet Paper
Toilet paper is a soft paper product (tissue paper) used to maintain personal hygiene after human defecation or urination. It can also be used for other purposes such as absorbing spillages. Its origin dates back as far as 1862. It differs in composition somewhat from facial tissue, and is designed to decompose in septic tanks, whereas some other bathroom and facial tissues do not. On average there are 333 squares of paper on a toilet roll. Most septic tank manufacturers advise against using paper products that are non-septic tank safe. Different names and slang terms are used for toilet paper in countries around the world, including “loo roll/paper,” “toilet roll,” “dunny roll/paper,” “bathroom/toilet tissue,” “TP,” or just “tissue.” Toilet paper can be one, two, three, even more -ply, meaning that it’s either a single sheet or two, three sheets placed back-to-back to make it thicker, softer, stronger and more absorbent. Color, scents, and embossing may also be added, but fragrances sometimes cause problems for consumers who are allergic to perfumes. The biggest difference between toilet papers is the distinction between virgin paper products, which are formed directly from chipped wood, and those made from recycled paper. Most toilet paper, however, whether virgin or recycled, is wrapped around recycled cardboard cylinders.
I, personally, love QN Ultra Soft. Don’t use nearly as much and it’s SOOOOOOOO soft. So, take that and wipe your ass with it! LOL!!
PS: You should probably be wiping with more than one finger. Might help prevent future accidents.
Nearly as much? Look beyotch, if I had to measure it, it would be about as long as the wrist pad for my keyboad and that’s about 17″ long. Next time you wipe your nether regions, take a ruler and measure how much you’ve peeled off. More than 1 finger? Then my whole hand would go up my crack.
How big is your crack, there, babe?
Yes! Yes! The Scott toilet paper at Walmart is inferior. I thought something stank about the TP I bought at Walmart so I went out the next day and bought a roll at Walgreens. There I found my old reliable TP. I only had to use my usually 4 squares instead of 8 squares of the thin stuff. This made me recall three other Walmart products I was not satisfied with when compared to a previous experience with the same product. It’s not a deal if it is a substandard product.
A HA! You see, I was right. Not only do they treat their workers like crap, but they treat their customers like crap…so we can’t clean up our own crap. Bastages.