Be it a Hilton or not, unless it’s a seeing eye dog, pets should not be allowed in retail stores. Period.

Picture this: Remember those scenes in the 2005 film The New World where Colin Farrell was getting his acquaint on with PocaHo? He touched every inch of her exposed skin and by the time he traced the entire length of her lithe arm with his fingertips, my lips were turning blue from holding my breath. I wanted to be in that bitch’s buckskin. Unless you’re a chick from another planet, that moment was palpable. Hold that thought…

So there I was one day, walking down the isle of a local store when out of the blue I feel the nub of something moist working its way up from my ankles, tracing the insides of my thighs and nuzzling itself into my crotch. Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus!

Sad to say, the locale was in my local PetsMart and it wasn’t gift giving time from Mr. Farrell or Santa. It was a chocolate lab at the end of some couple’s leash. “Oh don’t worry. He won’t hurt you.”

Hurt me? He doesn’t need to draw blood to hurt me. I’m f*#@ing humiliated! My leg just got slimed from some creature’s snot and slobber and the crotch of my shorts looked like I was attacked by a sprinkler head.

I don’t do dogs and the only time I’m in the dog isle is when I’m buying dog repellant for my front yard because the owners walking their “precious little family members” can’t pick up after their mutts. Those four-legged kids of yours lick juices from their nether regions and you let them lick you on your face, but it’s too gross to pick up their doo-doo with a plastic bag over your hand?  Watch it, buddy.  I’ve got an itchy shovel finger.

Fast forward to August 17, 2008.  I was in the same PetsMart with my 5-year old grandson buying something for my aquarium. He refused to get in line with me at the checkout stand because the chick in front of me had a dog. He stood behind me about six feet away. He’s terrified of dogs. When he was a toddler playing in my front yard, he was traumatized by a neighbor’s dog that came into the yard, charged him and knocked him over. Game over. Ever since then, dogs were on his sh*t list.

The chick in line was exchanging a dog collar. So she turns around to get another collar and proceeds past me and my grandson to the collars. He lets out this blood-curdling girl scream and starts running for the automatic doors to get the hell out of Dodge. And the first thought that comes to my mind is THE PARKING LOT!!! What if he gets hit by a car?

“Oh, he won’t hurt you,” the chick says. My knee-jerk reaction was, “I think it’s extremely rude to bring pets in the store. Not everyone likes dogs.”

She says, “I’m sorry. He’s not mean, but it is a pet store.”

And I also told the checker that’s it’s an extremely rude and inconsiderate policy to allow it.

Think of the liability they risk. It’s not uncommon to see a puddle of urine in the isle. I’ve personally seen it myself in that very same store. Can you say slip and fall?

I’ve seen dogs fight in that store when they see each other. They’re like little 4-legged rival gang members. Dogs can also be just as freaked out as people. They can interpret a friendly handshake or pat on the owner’s shoulder as an act of aggression and they will bite to protect their master.

The pets should be kept in the grooming area or in the vet’s office. Allowing pets in the retail part of the store in the general population is a novelty, not a necessity. That’s a lawsuit just waiting to happen.

Not everyone is impressed with someone else’s pets. Just like human babies, some of them are damn right buggly! Your dogs may be functioning members of YOUR household, but don’t expect the rest of us to cozy up to them. As a pet owner, don’t you worry about liability if your Bruno attacks someone in the store?

Now you might be thinking to yourself, if I knew there could be dogs in the store, why did I take my grandson in the store with me?

I didn’t think about it until we got out of the car and I wasn’t about to drive back home. The point is, no “reasonable person”, and yes, that is a legal term, PetsMart, should have to ever have to worry about protecting themselves or their little ones in a retail environment from an animal attack. Just ask a jury.

When I got home I went online and contacted PetsMart and explained what had happened. Here is the lame-ass canned response I got a day later.

August 19, 2008

Dear Mr. ———,
Thank you for spending the time to contact us about bringing pets into our stores. We think you’ll be happy to hear that at PetSmart, we love having pets visit our stores!

In fact, for many of our Customers and their pets, coming to PetSmart is convenient and special outing -a time for togetherness and fun. All we ask is that our Pet Parents make sure their pet is properly restrained with a collar and a leash. And, for the protection all pets in our stores, we request that each pet has current vaccinations.

Again, thank you for taking the time to contact us.

Sincerely,
Sheri Pihl
Customer Care Specialist
 

Thank you for the canned reply, Sheri. “We think you’ll be happy to hear…” How @#%*ing ignorant can you be?

So to PetsMart and their stooooopid “pets allowed” policy, I say GET THE SHOVEL, you’re going under.