I have NEVER, in my entire life online, seen a bank’s (almost typed wank’s) website that is soooo frequently “unavailable”.  How can a bank operate like that?  Heaven fucking forbid you have to use their online bill pay.  What a pathetic excuse for a bank.  Their ATM machines are down just as much, too.

More Wells Fargo Assholeness

Wells Fargo Treats Non-Customers Like Homeless, Toothless Red-Headed Step-Children

If you’ve been reading my blog, you know how much I fucking loathe Wells Fucko.  Those bastards think they can do no wrong.  They’re a lot like Microsoft in that they’ll fly under the radar as long as they can until someone sues them.  Case in point, screwing their customers with overdraft fees. 

You’re Dead, Screw You

I love it when an inventor comes up with something so bizarre, yet so simple you’re like “Why the fuck didn’t someone think of that earlier?”  Case in point, a new kind a coffin.  Wonder how that goth forensic scientist Abby Sciuto would react?

Wells Fucko Stagecoach

Wells Fucko is fucking me once again.  Just got a notice today that they increasing the margin on purchases to 13.35% for a grand total of 19.10% APR.  Why?  Interest rates are at their all-time low. 

Here’s the part that I really love:  “These changes are not a reflection of how you have managed your account with us or your credit score.”

Well, maybe they should be.  Last I checked my FICO was over 900.  Forget the fact that I’m prolly your best paying customer while you foreclose on and repossed everything else around you. 

How is it that Chase (they can be assholes, too so don’t let them fool you) can give me a fixed rate of 3.25% (NOT a promo rate), but you pricks want to charge me 19.10%?  You’re already ass raping me for 16.10% and you want more?  Fuck you.

Hang on folks.  Give me a few minutes here.  I’m going to give these dick heads a call right now…

I told the chick if she can match Chase I’ll stay…She’s getting a banker on the line.

She lied.  It was Lisa, a new account rep in Reno.  She said she doesn’t have the ability to lower rates on an existing account.  (Hmmm, me thinking to myself.  Every other fucking bank in the world does.)  She asked if she could go over some other products that may help me.  (Hmmm, thinking to myself again.  They want to get their claws deeper into me.)  

I flat out told her, “All I have left with Wells Fargo is a checking account and a credit card.  I’ve already closed the savings account and another checking account.  Wells Fargo simply cannot compete with the other banks and I had no choice but to close them.” 

She said if I don’t want to sign up for additional services, then she can’t help me.  I said, “Ok, I’ll listen to see what you can do.” 

Do I have upcoming large bills or a mortgage?  No and No.  (Hmmm, thinking to myself, she’s going to want me to take out a loan.)  Will I be buying a house?  No, I am unemployed.  (What I really meant to say was “Oh HELL no!”) Do I want a line of credit even though I can’t match that 3.25% rate from Chase?  No.  She say’s, “Sorry, I can’t do anything for you at this time then.” 

Me, “Ok, transfer me back to customer service again so I can close out the account.”

Now I’ve got Nicole on the line.  She said they have nothing available at this time.  So I told her to close the account.  Fuck them.  All three ladies I talked to were nice, but there was no way they were going to budge.

Have I lost anything?  Yes.  I lost my overdraft protection and I was a credit card customer for 12 years so I lost having that “credit card account opened for a long period of time” thing that creditors like to see on your history.  That hurt.

Let me tell you something about that overdraft protection.  They fuck you over on that, too.  I don’t know what their overdraft fees are, but they are expensive just like any other bank, prolly at least $30.  However, overdraft protection isn’t such a prince of a deal, itself.  I got dinged by them earlier this year because I got lazy and wasn’t watching my balance and got slapped with an “interest fee” for overdraft protection.  It was something crazy like $10!!!  Wells Fucko is not your friend.

In summary, I have never, ever, fucking ever not had a bank not willing to work with me.  I don’t like Chase, but they will bend over backwards to lower interest rates to keep me when I threaten to close accounts.  They value their customers.  Wells Fargo doesn’t.  If they want to play hardball at the expense of losing customers, then so be it.

So now all I have left with them is a checking account.  Unbeknownst to them I have a checking account at the Chase bank across the street from them.  It has $1 in it.  I opened the account right before Washington Mutual bit the dust, then Chase bought them out.  But I’m a creature of habit so I keep driving to Wells Fucko.  Maybe I should shorten the trip by a block and start using Chase.  If they fuck with me again and I will.

UPDATE – October 21, 2009:  Something occurred to me in the middle of the night.  I got an absolutely fantastic deal on a balance transfer offer a couple of weeks ago from another credit card.  Even with the transfer fee, the transaction was less than the interest fees I was paying with Wells Fucko.  So I wrote the balance transfer check and paid off the Wells Fucko card.  And now a few days later I get this interest increase??  Coincidence?  I think not.  Retaliation?  I think so.  They know when something is paid with a balance transfer check.  Maybe that’s why they wouldn’t budge on the interest rate giving me that “nothing is available at this time” bullshit.  My account’s been flag.  If it’s not punishment, then fucking prove me wrong.

Anyone in the banking industry out there reading this? Give me the inside scoop. Let’s have some whistleblowing. Tell me, do credit card/banks retaliate on their customers? Any other dirty secrets you want to share?

Does WF have stooopid account holders that don’t quite understand how to use a debit card?  Debit cards have pretty much replaced personal checks in the retail environment.  We’re smart.  We already know that.  But just in case…

Quick Refresher Course

Credit Card – Let’s you to spend money you don’t have.

Debit Card – Let’s you spend money you do have.

Wells Fargo’s Economic Stimulus Plan

This is prolly the more plausible reason.  People are just not spending as much as they use to because they don’t have as much as they used to.  The economy sucks.  Here’s how the letter went. 

“Dear xxxxx,

Your Wells Fargo Check Card is the easy way to pay for all your purchases.  Just swipe your Check Card through the card reader…there’s no need to write a check…leave your checkbook at home…easy way to pay…faster than writing a check…easy way to pay…”  (I left out the boring parts.)

Yes, they used “easy way to pay” three times in that little half page letter.  Subliminal messaging.

In other words, get out there and spend.  I can’t believe they wasted a stamp on that.

Today was just too good to be true. I got triple shit on.

1) I went to withdraw a few bills from my account, but at the last second I changed my mind and decided to withdraw from my PayPal account instead…using the Wells Fucko ATM. Something I hardly ever do. As always, I expected to be bitch-slapped with the usual fee for using a Wells Fucko ATM machine to withdraw cash on another bank. I see they jacked up the fee from $2 to $3. I was livid. My knee-jerk reaction was an audible “oh fuck”. I don’t give a crap who was standing next to me.

Excessive fees are why I closed all of my accounts except the one. They nickel and dime you to death. I get free everything at E*Trade. Screw Wells Fucko. Don’t even get me started on their interest rates on savings accounts.

2) I got my bank statement today. There was a notice on the statement. Effective December 10, 2008 they will be initiating a spam campaign. They will make pre-recorded calls and/or send text messages to all telephone numbers associated with my accounts. They even go so far as to warn that it could result in charges.  Thank God they don’t have my cell phone number.  But wait, it gets better. They will also send emails to all email addresses associated with my accounts. I’m sure that’s going to piss off more than just a few people.  They already call me for crap like accidental death and dismemberment insurance.  No matter how many times I tell them to stop, they don’t.  Why is that?  No other bank I use has EVER solicited me for other shit.

So to opt out of thier spam campaign I have to call 1-877-647-8551.  I called. I got the Over Draft Department. I called again just to make sure I didn’t mis-dial. I didn’t. I looked at the other phone numbers on the statement. Customer service is 1-877-647-8557. My guess is the dumb ass who typed that message couldn’t read some other dumb ass’s writing and typed a 1 instead of a 7.

3) So I logged into my account online to see if I could opt out through the back door without having to speak to an agent. That’s when I noticed an alert on my account. Seems they have the wrong email address for me and it was bouncing, therefore I cannot receive online statements and they will revert to sending them by U.S. mail.

The thing of it is, I never opted in to receive online statements. I never, ever, fucking ever receive online statements from any bank. Reason? If you need to look something up farther than what they are willing to dig into their database…you guessed it, another fee.

Wells Fargo, the only horse drawn coach you’ll be riding is the one straight to the grave yard. Get the shovel, you’re going under.