For those unfamiliar with that unsolicited report, it compares my electrical consumption with my efficient neighbors and all my neighbors.  I usually consume way more than both of them.  Well, yea.  I’m home all day.  Plus, I don’t own this sugar shack so I can’t exactly install energy efficient windows, and a new heating/cooling unit.  However, I do have their shade tree planted in my front yard, the one that’s lifting up my drive way with its roots.

I need to interject something.  Several years ago the color of the house I live in was a very light tan with dark brown trim.  The usual tract home.  The owner spent several weekends repainting the exterior a blinding white to “keep the house cool”.  I thought he was going to come back and at least paint the trim some other color, but that never happened.  I now live in the white house.  I kid you not, I can’t even go outside to take the trash cans to the curb without putting on sun glasses.

Now if you read my last report, SMUD wants to raise rates 13% to make up for the slump in electrical usage due to the economic downturn.  My rant, in part, was about the constant scouraging we get to decrease electrical consumption.  Turn off the lights.  Lower the heater.  Raise the air conditioner.  Caulk your holes.  But apparently, decrease in bill = increase in rates.  Beats me, man, you do the math.

So in the monthly report I just got, I have received a “good” rating for the month, but here’s the oxymoronic get-out-the-Vaseline-I-promise-this-won’t-hurt kicker.  They enclosed a rather large 3″ x 3″ orange magnet that says “I’m proud to have an energy efficient home”.  It was attached to a flyer that says, “Take pride in your results:  By taking action to reduce home electricity use, you and your neighbors have saved yourselves over $500,000 so far!”

If SMUD gets its way with that rate increase, they will be able to recoup that 1/2 million dollars along with the money they spent on those dumbass magnets. 

That’s right, customers.  Keep conserving electricity.  Lead the lemmings off the cliff.  Fuckers.

SMUD, you SUCK!  I’m getting out the shovel and you’re going 6′ under…after I caulk your holes.  mmmaaaawwwwaaaaa!

Wait a sec.  If there is less demand for power, that’s less juice SMUD has to produce and/or buy.  The shit can’t be stored.  The bigger the demand, the more spark they have to provide.  The smaller the demand, the less spark they need to provide.  So doesn’t it make sense that their costs to supply the very same electricity that is no longer in demand should be non-existent?

So, would I be correct in assuming that they need a 13% hike because their isn’t enough profit to pay the salaries of the people who make the juice?  The same group of people who ran the juice making machines that are no longer making juice due to this “recession-induced” decline, as they put it?

I have an idea for all those SMUD employees walking around doing nothing.  Send them over to the DMV and retrain them.  Reduce, reuse, recycle.

BTW, SMUD is a non-profit utility company.

p.s.  We’re not in a recession.  The correct term is depression.  When banks go bankrupt, when businesses close, when people lose their jobs, when credit is no where to be found, when people lose their homes, when shelters are full and can’t even stock their own shelves, that’s a depression.

p.p.s.  Why do people declare bankruptcy and banks don’t declare peopruptcy?

Anyone care to join me in a grave digging session?  Get the shovel.  SMUD’s going under.