People Suck
Published August 3, 2010
I woke up Monday morning, Aug 2, 2010, to tire tracks across my front yard, across the driveway and onto the other part of the lawn. Today, Tuesday, I finally walked the length of the tracks because they looked like they went right over the top of a sprinkler head. Sure as fucking shit.
They must have been spinning the tires because they straight up ripped the Rainbird popup sprinkler right off the riser and buried it into the ground like a corpse, all snug like a brat in a bun. Mmmm, Oktoberfest is coming soon.
So I went inside to get my camera to document it. While taking the pictures I found ANOTHER sprinkler in the same shape, hit by the same mofo tire. What the fuck are the odds of that happening to two sprinkler heads in the dark?
I’d post the pictures, but my computer’s actin’ an ass again and won’t download them from my camera. Don’t EVER upgrade a Windows operating system. Your computer will never be the same. I know, I know, Cooking Asshole thinks I need a Mac. I need another computer like he needs another frying pan.
Usually when one house gets hit, others do too. I’ve been walking in the morning while it’s still cool and haven’t seen anyone else with tracks. Most people have giant rocks in their lawns to prevent that from happening. They just happened to find some cosmic worm hole across my yard, but how in the hell would they know that in the dark unless the vortex was shooting sparks out its ass like some beacon whispering “Enter Here”. Fuckers. Get the shovel.
BBQ Grills & Pedestrians – Walmart Style
Published January 31, 2009Walmart blessed my life twice today. By the way, I’m glad they took that star out of the center of their name. I could never find a keyboard with one. Anyhoo…
#1 Walmart Pedestrians
Now this really isn’t Walmart’s fault, just the mentality of some of the people that shop there. The store closest to me is bad for stooopid people and since the expansion of the light rail line into the hood, it’s gotten worse. Ok, so let’s call it light rail’s fault.
I always drive slowly through the parking lot because of so many stooopid people shuffling around. Today I stopped right in front of the store to let a lady into the crosswalk. She was nice about it, too. She waited to see if I would stop and then thanked me for doing so. Then I slowly proceeded to drive across the remainder of the white hash-marked pedestrian area, when out of the clear blue sky some bitch presents herself around a blind corner and steps right smack into the hash marks WITHOUT LOOKING FOR CARS.
Now keep in mind, I’m driving S L O W L Y, but I had to abruptly slam on the brakes because I was already damn near on top of her by the time she stepped out from around the corner of the building. Then she looks at me and mouths PEDESTRIAN CROSSWALK. I could have shot the skank right then and there. I wanted to shake the living daylights out of her.
What the fuck is it about people? It was drilled into our brains as little kids by our parents and teachers, LOOK BOTH WAYS BEFORE YOU STEP INTO TRAFFIC. Some people think those white lines will somehow physically protect them. While peds do have the right of way, they also have a legal responsibility to look out for their own safety. If a cop had been there to see that, SHE would have been ticketed, not me.
That kind of condescending shit makes my blood boil. Next time she might not be so lucky and she’ll get hit by someone who didn’t have time to stop. I can just she her big doe eyes now. She’ll get the shovel, eventually.
#2 BBQ Assembly 101
I like the Uniflame BBQ grills Walmart has. My old one that I’ve had for six years fell apart. I HATE putting grills together, but this one was the worse. When I took the parts out of the box I thought it was going to be a no-brainer because all the bolts, washers and wing nuts where neatly labeled in one little part kit. Still, it took me 2-1/2 hours because the instructions were HORRIBLE. Turns out that it really didn’t matter that the parts were labeled because who ever wrote the damn instructions didn’t have the parts right there in front of them to refer to when they were writing.
The manual called for parts that were not in the kit. It also referred to parts by letter that were lettered differently in the part kit. I had to keep reading ahead to make sure I wasn’t using parts for something else I’d need later. I had to dig into my own stash of bolts to find something that would work for the missing pieces. Plus, I had parts left over.
Where’s the quality control on this shit? Oh wait, there isn’t any BECAUSE IT’S MADE IN FUCKING CHINA!
And this really frosted my ass – after I finished, I was out back with my trusty Stanley utility knife chopping up the box to put it into the recycle container when suddenly I saw in tiny print on the side of the box Free Assembly Available.
Get the shovel. China, Uniflame, and the pedestrian are going under.
