I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing. 

PLEASE DO YOUR PART!

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama & petty things. So laugh insanely, love truly and forgive quickly! From one unstable person to another… I hope everyone is happy in your head – we’re all doing pretty well in mine!

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that…….Never mind.

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by assholes who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, juices, yogurts, and shit like that. Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol. They cause more than three times as many accidents.

See larger image AlcoHawk Pro: Professional Edition Digital Alcohol Detector (Health and Beauty) List Price: Price Not Listed New From: Check Amazon For Pricing In Stock Release date April 28, 2006.

You can get these flash drives here.

The action heroineness of a Jawa, the lips of an Ewok (notice the teeth are the same, too) and the eyes of an Afghan (and no, I’m not talking about that orange, brown and green thing on the couch in your trailer that your Great Aunt Trixie crocheted back in the 70′s). This chick’s HOT!

Anyhoo, in the spring the trees gets these 4″ long caterpillar-like tonsel hanging thingys on them.  The grand kids call them snakes.  They’re full of pollen and make a mess in the yard.  I saw the lawnmower man pull up one day and the yard was tit-deep in them.  I watched him mouth one big FUCK!!! as he stepped out of his truck.  It was comical.

So, what’s this post got to do with cleaning up leaves?  Nothing.  This is for all you rednecks who store junked or wrecked cars in your front yard knowing damn well you’ll never be able to afford to fix them and can’t afford to have them towed away.  Come on, for loud crying out.  Clean up your damn yard so you’ll have room for those giant inflatable vinyl Christmas kreechurs from Walmart this winter.

I’ve got some good news for you.  Have the those old clunkers towed away for free.  I shit you not.  All you gots to do is fill out an online form (you do have the interweb, right) and then they’ll be in touch with you (but not down there, you idiot. save that for your cousin.).  They’ll come and tow away that ’76 Pinto for free and you don’t even have to be home.  In some cases, they’ll even do it with missing DMV papers.

You’ve got two choices.  Both of them come with free towing and have a nationwide network of towing companies willing to take that Ford P.O.S. off your hands.  And yes, they’ll even come to your shit hole town.  They take cars, truck and motorcycles.

1. JunkMyCar – Fast removal of unwanted junk cars
2. BuyMyWreck – They’ll buy your wrecked car

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

Three students raise their hands.

That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?

Ahmed replied, “Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that…….Never mind.

Chelsea replied, “Not according to Dad.”

So most of you prolly have some type of portal page that you use as your home page to get the news; could be Yahoo, Excite, MSN, or wtf ever.  What frosts my ass is when I come across a really cool news headline like “Alien Spaceship Found On White House Lawn” and there aren’t any fucking pictures.  I hate that kind of news reporting. 

I’ve had my fill of the economy going tits up, another trading house getting investigated by the SEC, Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan, or wtf ever.  A couple of months ago I found an article that was posted on http://Discovery.com/  Holy shit!  Those guys have pictures on EVERY damn post!  I signed up for their News Headlines daily email.  It’s refreshing.  There’s cool stuff on all kinds of topics. 

So when some new temple gets discovered in the steamy depths of the Amazon jungle, they’ve got pictures.  Each article starts off with an image on the left and three bullet points to the right of it called ‘The Gist’ which gives the highlights of the article.  These guys do news right. 

Here’s the link for all of their newsletters.  Go sign up:  http://dsc.discovery.com/newsletters/newsletters.html