Archive for the ‘Musings’ Category

A couple of weeks ago I noticed the leaves on some of the trees started to turn color.  Damn, in the middle of August?  Won’t be long and the lawnmower man will be bitching about raking them again.  It’s hella funny.  I have a False Mulberry in the front yard.  It’s like a mofo weed.  WTF were people thinking when then planted them?  The neighbor cuts the branches off of his every year and every year they all grow back.  The root systems are invasive as hell, lifting up sidewalks and sending out feeder roots yards and yards from the trunk.  It’s like an alien invasion. 

Anyhoo, in the spring the trees gets these 4″ long caterpillar-like tonsel hanging thingys on them.  The grand kids call them snakes.  They’re full of pollen and make a mess in the yard.  I saw the lawnmower man pull up one day and the yard was tit-deep in them.  I watched him mouth one big FUCK!!! as he stepped out of his truck.  It was comical.

So, what’s this post got to do with cleaning up leaves?  Nothing.  This is for all you rednecks who store junked or wrecked cars in your front yard knowing damn well you’ll never be able to afford to fix them and can’t afford to have them towed away.  Come on, for loud crying out.  Clean up your damn yard so you’ll have room for those giant inflatable vinyl Christmas kreechurs from Walmart this winter.

I’ve got some good news for you.  Have the those old clunkers towed away for free.  I shit you not.  All you gots to do is fill out an online form (you do have the interweb, right) and then they’ll be in touch with you (but not down there, you idiot. save that for your cousin.).  They’ll come and tow away that ’76 Pinto for free and you don’t even have to be home.  In some cases, they’ll even do it with missing DMV papers.

You’ve got two choices.  Both of them come with free towing and have a nationwide network of towing companies willing to take that Ford P.O.S. off your hands.  And yes, they’ll even come to your shit hole town.  They take cars, truck and motorcycles.

1. JunkMyCar – Fast removal of unwanted junk cars
2. BuyMyWreck – They’ll buy your wrecked car

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ‘How many people here believe in ghosts?

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that’s a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?

Three students raise their hands.

That’s fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ‘Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ‘So, Ahmed, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost?

Ahmed replied, “Oh shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats.”

A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.

He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret. He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.

No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that…….Never mind.