You know the world is going to hell in a hand basket when they start fucking around with toilet paper. 

For years I had been an avid Quilted Northern user, but switched this summer.  My daughter has a Sam’s Club membership and I went shopping with her and picked up a case of Scott tissue.  The rolls are individually wrapped for commercial use.  She calls it gas station t.p., but I liked it.  It was single-layer, yet strong without being harsh and OMG, it lasted for fucking ever.

When I ran out of Scott I went to Walmart and got some more Scott there.  Hmmm, not the same as the Sam’s Club stuff.  Obviously Scott is making a different version for commercial and home use.  (Why do companies do that?  The general public can’t be trusted with “the big boy” stuff?  They do the same thing with household cleaners.)  The stuff from Walmart was still single-layer, but the shit was HARSH like it had wood chips in it.  I couldn’t figure out why my pink tender parts were raw.  I turned a sheet of it over and it’s got these little quilted bumps on it and the paper itself was of inferior quality with a rough texture.  The commercial stuff had a more polished finished.

So when that stuff ran out I thought I’d get some more Quilted Northern.  WOW!  They really fucked it up.  The first thing I noticed is that the roll is 1/4″ narrower than it used to be.  On a pack of t.p., that’s a 1/2″ less on a 6-pack.  I thought I was seeing things, but I actually measured it against a Scott t.p. tube still in the trash can.  Those fuckers!  Oh, and the texture of it is way weird.  It’s super fluffed up like micro fleece.  It’s got massive volume to it so it’s like wiping your ass with a blanket.  Only difference is, MY FINGER WENT RIGHT THROUGH IT!!!  It actually starts deteriorating when it gets wet.  Nasty.  Gotta be some kind of biodegradable bullshit.  JHC!  How do these people sleep at night?  They must have tested it on some giggly pre-adolescent girls who stuff their bras with the shit.  No doubt it works REAL good for that BECAUSE IT’S ALL FUCKING AIR!

A roll of the Sam’s Club Scott would last me like two weeks.  A roll of this new QN only last’s about 1-1/2 days.  The square footed of it must be like 3′.  Bastards.

Screw you, Quilted Northern and Walmart Scott.  WTF is wrong with the world?