Nothing stirs more fear in me than finding a letter from the IRS in my mailbox. 

And speaking of mailbox, there is an impact sprinkler head right in front of my mailbox.  My regular mailman is MIA.  Don’t know if he’s on an extended vacation, having a sex change operation, laying in the morgue, or is no longer my mailman cause I’ve had various mailmen over the last several weeks.  And I don’t mean “had” in an intimate way. One of them stepped on the sprinkler and busted something and now it stopped rotating.  It was shooting right at the garage door.  I pointed it towards the grass.  It just came on again and it was pointing out in the road.  I find that pretty amusing because no matter which side of the road a car is on, they’ll get sprayed.  But the point is, it got stepped on again yesterday so I know it’s the mailman.  fucker.  I should send them a bill.  Sorta like having to replace my front screen door a few years ago because the Sacramento Bee delivery Ukrainian finally dented it so badly from throwing the newspaper at it every morning at 4:30, waking up the entire household like a sonic boom.  And you thought the alarm clock was bad.  That was like being woken up by a gun shot.  fucker.

Anyhoo.  So I opened up the IRS letter.  It was regarding my 2007 taxes.  They don’t have documentation for my earnings.  That’s the year I got laid off and cashed in my 401(k) and pension, not to mention the usual W2, so it was a pretty sizable amount in the six figures.  They didn’t come out and say it, but they pretty much made it look like I hadn’t filed my taxes.  Oh, and the letter had a very friendly casual tone and tried to offer as much explanation as possible.  It wasn’t the usual threatening letter from years gone by.  My, times have changed when the IRS goes soft.

So I dragged out the super secure fireplace log box from the top shelf in my bedroom closet.  The one I keep all of my tax returns in.  I found all the documentation they were referring to except for one.  It was a $567 1099 INT from the Bureau of Public Debt.  WTF is that? 

Now here’s something REALLY strange and this has been happening to me a lot lately.  It’s like a deja vu only in reverse.  I guess that would be a premonition.  I see things.  Everyday things that are around me and have been for years, but suddenly I take notice in them.  Here is a PERFECT example.  I believe it was just this past Wed or Thu when this happened.  Years ago I was buying an I-Bond every two weeks when I got paid.  I kept my Treasury Direct account number on a Post-it note on my computer monitor.  I have two desktop PC’s in my home office.  One of them is an old one I can’t part with for fear something’s on it that I might need one day.  That’s the one with the account number on it.  I was rummaging around on my desk and my eyes landed on that account number.  I thought, WTF was that to?  I can’t know, but it must have been important at one time or I wouldn’t have put it up there to begin with.

Ok, fast forward to yesterday when I got the IRS letter and low and behold, that missing 1099 had my account number on it.  It was the number tacked to my computer monitor.  HOLY SHIT!  So you see what I’m talking about?  I see stuff and then it happens a day or two later.  It’s happened several times in the last few weeks, but I can’t remember what the other things were right now.  Really weird, huh.

So I dig up my old Treasury Direct account information and sure as shit, there’s that account number.  I logged into my account and see that I still have $300 in I-Bonds sitting there.  Damn, Gina!  I thought I cashed them all in.  Guess there must have been one more page of them.  So I cashed them in right then and there.  It’s always sweet to find missing money.  I continue digging through my account and noticed I have 5 email messages.  I go check them out and low and behold, there is the notification of the 1099 for 2007.  Seems I’m supposed to print it from there. Hmmm, never got it in the mail…like all the banks send out.  So I went to the FAQ section and looky, looky what I found…   

How will my interest income be reported for tax purposes?
When you open a TreasuryDirect account, you consent to receive the appropriate tax reporting forms by electronic means. The form will be available in a printable format through your TreasuryDirect account. An online IRS Form 1099 is provided for your Primary account and each Linked account.

You see that “electronic means” section?  That means NO FUCKING HARD COPY.  No 1099 in the mail like the banks.  fuckers.  JHC!!!  Can you imagine how many people this happens to?  Think about this for a second.  I-Bonds are an investment.  You let them sit.  After a while you forget about them.  When I cashed them in over two years ago I didn’t look back.  I thought the account was empty.  How many people are do the same thing?  It’s not like a fucking email account where you log in every day to read your mail.  I sure as shit don’t/didn’t log in to check my Treasury Direct mail.  Fuck, I didn’t even know they HAD a messaging system.

So I thought I better check my profile.  There it was.  An old email address I had to turn off because of all the spam.  The spam rendered the account useless.  I thought I had given all the “real” people my new addy, but I guess TD wasn’t one of them. 

So let this be a lesson to you.  If you’re using Treasury Direct and cashing in bonds, check your profile and your messages because it appears you won’t be getting your 1099 in the mail.  fuckers.

So now I have to straighten this out with not only the IRS, but also the state of CA.  Actually, CA is to be more feared than the IRS, I hear.  I still don’t understand how they can lose this shit.  This is like the 4th time I’ve had to go back and forth with them.

It’s entrapment.  It’s like the speed trap in Jesse Stone’s “Thin Ice” with the tree in front of the speed limit sign.  They don’t notify you upfront that you won’t be getting your 1099 in the mail.  Can you imagine the mountains of paper the IRS generates?  I find it so ironic/suspicious that the IRS went paperless in this one tiny little area.  The one tiny little thing that turns me into a criminal.  Entrapment.  There is no other word for it.  fuckers.

Oh, and one more thing.  Never, ever, fucking EVER file a tax return without doing a registered mail with return receipt.  Make sure you get that little green card back in the mail proving the fuckers got your return.  That’s saved my ass twice in the past.  Same thing with your state.

Oh, and one tiny last thing.  Now that I cashed in the remaining three bonds, I have to go print my 1099 come tax time.  However, this time I’m putting a note in my tax file folder right now to remind myself.

UPDATE:  August 10, 2009

I spent 5-6 hours this morning working on this tax issue.  Most of which was trying to figure out how to amend a return in TurboTax.  It’s hidden DEEP.  The verdict is in.  I fucked up.  I entered my pension 1099-R twice and completely missed the 401(k) 1099-R.  All I can say is WTF happened?  Even though the two looked identical, how in the world could I not have noticed entering the same figures twice?  Bottom line, not counting any penalties and interest, I owe an additional $16,000 to the feds and CA.  OUCH!  That’s over a year’s worth of rent for me.  FUCK!